alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
