so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Randomize
