It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
