A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
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