Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Bring me that man meat
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
