i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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