i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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