Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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