imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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