I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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