i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
