Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
