My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
