Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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