i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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