I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
