I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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