she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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