Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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