Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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