Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We're too hungover to prance.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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