I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Less talking, more tequila
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
