Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
