I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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