sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize