Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you never un-have a 4some
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
