My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
