I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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