remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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