Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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