So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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