She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
