I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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