I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
