nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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