Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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