her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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