Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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