my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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