Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I forget how to act sober
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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