I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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