i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize