I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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