I am midnight drunk by noon
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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