so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
