I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
