he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
