Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
