Umm I'm too high to move.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
