my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
