Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
