Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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