and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
