If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
