well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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