Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
