i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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