We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
