Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize