Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
